


Raison D’être

by EverybodyWantsToRuleTheWorld



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Complete, Cussing, M/M, MWPP, Remus is shattered, Sirius is angsty, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, both are pining, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 18:35:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18610186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EverybodyWantsToRuleTheWorld/pseuds/EverybodyWantsToRuleTheWorld
Summary: The day when Sirius realised that his teen-life crisis was nothing compared to Remus’ full-life one.Or, Careers Day at Hogwarts.





	Raison D’être

Disclaimer: All of this is because of JK Rowling. You’re the boss

 

Year :1975-1976  
Fifth Year  
Remus is 16. Sirius will turn 17 in November of 1976  
Easter was April 18th , 1976  
OWLs begin first week of June.

 

“Oi, Pads. Hand me over the pamphlet will you?”  
“Getting serious about careers now, are we? Jamie would like to be a do-gooder nine-to-fiver to impress his lady love, eh?”  
Peter laughed obnoxiously.  
“My stomach aches so much from laughing at that exceptional retort of yours that I might as well be forced to give a shit. Except as it unfortunately happens, I don’t.”  
“Was that the creation of your own mind or the compliments from a certain redhead that you’ve been on the receiving ends of?”  
“Just pass me the pamphlet Pads, will you? I just want to read mine. Do yourself a favour and read yours too.” James sighed, finally packing his books before school resumes after the Easter Break.  
Sirius charmed the pamphlet to fly away towards James as he proceeded to acquire the one sent for himself. How Dumbledore knew his new address since last Christmas was beyond his or anyone’s comprehension. All Sirius could do nowadays was wake up in the middle of the night,panting and sweating, his body burning with renewed pain at every part where mother had used Crucio on him. Sirius had to find solace someway or the other and this new Careers Advice initiated by Hogwarts for all fifth years was anything but. At least this time he was the sole proprietor of his own career choice without any contemptuous remarks from his mother, a disdainful look from his father or maybe a blank stare from Reg. It had all happened within the blink of an eye. One moment Sirius was dressed in his finest robes, awaiting the guests for the annual dinner on Christmas Eve at Grimmauld Place. He had the customary glass of red wine glimmering under the chandelier farthermost to his right, the spotless white napkins laid in an intricate fold to his left. Now, Sirius sighed as he looked out of James’ window at the sprawling lawns which Euphemia maintained with utmost pride. Sirius had made it a point to help her in gardening during the evenings whenever he could. Euphemia always had something wonderful to say about each flower, each blade of grass,each gnarly branch of an old tree growing in a desolate corner, everything. That was the best part about her, Sirius used to think. She never judged, always finding the good in everybody. James obviously gets that from her.  
Sighing and looking down at it, it looked like a normal cheap pamphlet, except for the fact that it was actually a booklet transfigured to resemble it. Sirius leafed through its pages, each one opening a new avenue for Sirius to take, new choices to make and new careers to embark on. The pamphlet showed various careers in order of the ease of acquiring a profession.  
  _Cursebreaker_ , _Entrepreneur_ , _Teaching_ , _Wizarding_ _Journalism_ , _Ministerial_ _Posts_ (Ha. As if Sirius would go into that), _Wizarding_ _Politics_ , _Wizarding_ - _Muggle_ _Relations_ , _Care_ _of_ _Magical_ _Creatures_ , _Wizarding_ _Banking_ , _etc_.  
“Ha. What loads of bullshit. Career is a bloody responsibility you owe to the Wizarding World that you’ve to perform for your whole life!”  
“Cynical now, are we? Anyways, what do you think you might be doing Peter?”  
“I might consider any one of the Ministerial Posts, Anywa-“  
“Dumb.” Sirius drawled as Peter continued while deliberately ignoring the awfully frequent snide remarks.  
“-What have you decided for yourself James?”  
James looked up from his pamphlet, readjusted his glasses, and with an air of self declaration, said-  
“I would like to be an Auror.”  
“Not so dumb.” Sirius raises his eyebrows lightly while nodding appraisingly at him.” You do know the NEWT requirements and everything require you to work your arse off a cheese grater, don’t you?”  
“Yes, you’re fairly right. But, I mean, I’m perfectly willing to do that. Look around you, those rumours that have started spreading around, all those muggle killings and sightings, I don’t really think that I’d like to warm my arse behind a desk- No offence, Peter - while maybe the Wizarding World needs as much protection as it can get.”  
Sirius could only nod. To be honest, he hadn’t paid that much heed to the rumours itself until he had received a letter from Regulus stating that the family had joined hands with someone “promising” and “seemingly omnipotent.” He said that maybe upholding family values might be a burden to Sirius but Regulus would not let duty come before his own views. “Damn you, Reg. You always puts our parents’ eccentricities before your own conscience.” Now, however , with the increasing rumours and growing numbers hushed news, Sirius grew alarmed and wary by the day. He knew that whatever it was that Mother and Father were roping Regulus into, that kid would break. Not today, not tomorrow, but maybe someday. He knew his brother better than his parents, no matter how much he tried to show, maybe prove, otherwise. In that manner, Regulus’ conviction and devotion were so similar to Remus’.  
Remus. It had become a suddenly very precarious thought for Sirius, one that would pain him both on keeping it buried inside his heart or maybe fester in his mind. Last winter break changed everything. Remus and him were closer than ever, each one broken and shattered in their own exclusive nooks, looking out for each other. Sirius closed his eyes and tried to get his focus wander back to the career-thing, when an owl came hurtling towards the window as Sirius ducked his head in the nick of time to avoid a full-on collision.  
It was Denver, Remus’ owl. He was a beautiful thing, named after John Denver, the singer of one of Remus’ all time favourite songs, Country Roads, released the same year they’d started Hogwarts. Sirius could only stare at Denver perched on James’ desk, waiting for someone to untie the letter from it, as his eyes patiently bore into each one of them, stopping at Sirius. No matter how on earth it was possible, but Denver always wanted his letter to be untied by the person whom he’d stare at, if there were more than one candidates available to do the honours. Mostly it was Sirius, sometimes James and rarely Peter.  
Walking over to Denver, Sirius smiled at his large yellow eyes, gently untying the letter and sent Peter off to the enormous kitchen downstairs to get some tidbits to feed him with. Unrolling the parchment, Sirius’ heart gave a small jolt on recognising Remus’ slanting handwriting. He read it aloud to James and Peter, feeding Denver.

_Dear Pads, Prongs and Wormtail,_

_Did you all receive those Careers Advice pamphlets from school? I can’t believe our days of finally taking shit seriously have already arrived, even though I’m wondering if Pads is still in denial._  
“Bastard.” Sirius laughed.  
_Anyways, things have gotten rather dull here. Mum’s busy with a new patient who’s caught something serious and Dad’s off to hunting with some of his pals. I might just as well drop by there today and maybe we can resume school after Easter together? Talk about careers, maybe? Just send me a reply if it’s fine, I can pack my stuff and get on._  
_Remus_  
_PS: Don’t spoil Denver. He’s been acting like a ravenous beast these days._

  
“Well that’s great news. Just let me send him a reply pretty quick and we’ll be off maraudering together in no time.” James smiled.  
Sirius nodded, glad to be seeing Remus even though it had been just a few days since the Easer holidays had begun. There was a sudden change in the looking glass from which he had been seeing Remus since the past six years. Sirius couldn’t pinpoint the exact reason, there were a lot of variables affecting the shifting equation between him and his werewolf best friend.

 

“Bloody hell, this job’s easier said that done.”  
Sirius was currently trying to extract out all the weeds growing in the flowerbed, while Mrs Potter had already got a bag of seeds ready to be sown after Sirius was done. Sirius thought that maybe using a hand-hoe would help him get it over with pretty quickly than taking the weeds out manually, but boy, was he wrong. The hand-hoe was anything but a menace that kept on scraping out more soil than weeds. Sirius had been sweating at it for the past half and hour and had amassed the success of uprooting four weeds until now.  
The sun was still out but Sirius could thank the heavens that summer was a few weeks away. April was doing everything it could to not let May overthrow it. But that didn’t mean that a sweet breeze was blowing through his adamantly maintained long-ish hair. No, Sirius had begun to sweat and get uncomfortable. He was already at undoing his fourth button, when he decided that the weeds could go to hell and summer could go fornicate itself as he chucked away his muggle t-shirt. In his sixteen years on this earth and four as a teenager, Sirius Black had never experienced the sensation called self-consciousness, but replaced it all with self-confidence. Getting back to his work, he resumed his toil with the fifth weed, when he heard a small laughter followed by a mocking voice-  
“It’s better if you start with loosening the soil around the base of the plant followed by a swift stroke at 45 degrees to the ground and take out the weed in one go. Here, let me show you.”  
Sirius looked up suddenly, his back facing the speaker. Slowly, he got up, tuned around and gave the biggest grin he could manage without looking like a maniac. “I would come and hug you, but I don’t think the additional offer of getting soil on one’s clothes is an appealing offer.”  
“No, Pads. It’s definitely not one I’d go for. But you seemed to have surpassed that by getting your body soiled, leave alone your clothes.” Sirius looked down at himself and then back up.  
Remus had apparently got a haircut, unlike Sirius whose hair was beginning to enter in the general definition of “long”. Remus was dressed simply, like he always did,nothing extravagant or noticeable. If Sirius were to ever lose Remus in a crowd, it would be one hell of a challenge spotting his friend. Remus’ jeans has grown a bit tighter around his calf and was now starting to fit his hips with a newly acquired fitting. 1976 was a lucky year for Remus, he was suddenly starting to develop his masculine features, except his eyes. His shoulders might’ve broadened, his musculature might’ve developed, his moustache might’ve grown more prominent, but, his eyes were still large and warm and carried that childlike innocence and curiosity just like Sirius had spotted in them five years ago. His T-shirt was a simple black one, which once used to have Keith Richards’ words printed on it - Lose you’re dreams and you may lose your mind. Sirius liked that T-shirt. It was a proof of their shared love for muggle music, and especially, The Rolling Stones although Moony never shied away from owning up to liking a few legendary country or jazz artists that he listened to from time to time. Remus always used to quote Friedrich Nietzsche- “Without music, life would be a mistake.”  
“Whatcha thinking, Pads? Those weeds got you to lose your sanity? However, I see only four plants uprooted and lying desolately. Doesn’t look like you did much work.”  
“Shut up, Moony. Here, take the hoe and dig in.” Sirius handed the hoe over to Remus. While he was taking it, their fingers brushed for the slightest of seconds and it was then, that Sirius realised that the absence of clothes made the shiver crawling up his spine far more affective. But, as anyone would have it, Sirius quickly brought forth his defence mechanism-  
“Also, that’s what she said.” Humour, ladies and gentlemen. Thankfully, Remus let it go and began to take out the weed.  
Sirius stood back, watching Remus crouch over, and after a few seconds, successfully uprooting the plant. How he did it, Sirius couldn’t care to observe. He was far too busy admiring his face in full concentration at the job at hand, just like any work he did. Showing him the uprooted plant, Remus smiled at Sirius, eyes filled with that secretive pride he carried in his heart on completing anything successfully.  
“Just do what I did and you’ll get this over with in no time. What do you plan to sow?” He asked, looking over at the bag of seeds.  
Sirius went over to the bag, and read the name of the plant. “Moony, we’re planning on growing Lupins!”  
“Wow. That’s err, a nice choice. Wait, you said we?”  
“Yes. Me and Euphemia. It’s like our own group activity.”  
“You never fail to surprise me, Black. Do you have a thing against mothers or for mothers?”  
“I’m not answering that, the question is inappropriate in so many dimensions.” Sirius smirked. Somewhere, he thought, maybe he wasn’t ready to even face anything with the slightest hint to his family. Anyways, it was his family, not anymore. Quickly changing the topic, Sirius took back the hoe and said, “Why don’t you go inside and get your hands cleaned up, you didn’t even wear gloves while taking the weed out. I’ll just tidy up and come back. Maybe tell Euphemia I’m allergic or something.”  
“Allergic? If I weren’t a doting woman as Mrs. Potter, I’d make you do twice the work for such a dumb excuse. And for your gross indecency.” Remus quickly looked down at Sirius’ torso, bare as if for the world to scrutinise, his eyes flicking back up just as fast. If Sirius wasn’t busy observing him, he mightn’t have even noticed the secretive glance Remus left, his bare skin stimulated from the knowledge. “Anyways, I’ll head inside, yes?”  
“Hmm.” Sirius wasn’t in the mood neither the ability of stringing words together into sentences right now. He just wanted to cover his body back again, this newfound consciousness in front of Remus doing nothing but make him confused whether he liked that or he didn’t. He watched as Remus walked towards the house, his luggage following him without guidance, as the sun came to a serene closure for the day. Everything was suddenly tinted with that melancholy orangish hue that shrouded the house, the plans, Remus, everything-marking the end of day and the inception of a moonless night.  
Picking up his t-shirt, Sirius threw it on, not even noticing it was inside-out, as he followed inside the house, leaving everything behind just as it was moments ago, when Sirius felt Remus’ eyes persist on him long after the moment had ended.

 

 

It was enchanting, the way the smoke arose from his mouth, whirling around, rising as languidly as Sirius’ insides were getting from the view of Remus smoking a cigarette.  
“Picked it over winter holidays.” Remus explained. Sirius quickly averted his eyes, realising that Remus knew he was being stared at.  
“I would like to say that smoking isn’t something that should be picked up, but unfortunately, I get it.”  
“I know you do.” Remus said, finally turning his head to stare at Sirius. They were about to get one The Hogwarts Express next morning, Easter holidays about to end in an hour or two. The waxing moon was still a feeble crescent, but that didn’t stop Remus from casting a glance out of the window every once in a while. The Potters were downstairs, watching some old romantic comedy of the 50s, James and Peter along with them. Sirius knew that James wouldn’t come up until the movie had finished and Mrs. Potter had passed her customary views regarding the movie. While James still never showed any reluctance in doing the most embarrassing of stuff just to make his parents happy, Peter would blindly follow James in any endeavour he took. While they were all downstairs, sitting in front of the telly with their desserts, Sirius noticed that  
before halfway through the movie, Remus has subtly got up and excused himself quietly, Mrs Potter absentmindedly excusing him, her eyes still trained on the telly. Sirius soon followed suit, not noticing that James’ eyes observed him for a moment as he was getting up and leaving. Climbing the stairs, Sirius went up to the guest room where Remus and Peter were rooming together. He stopped short on noticing the panorama in front of him. Remus was perched on the windowsill, a cigarette resting between his fingers, grey smoke swirling out of his lips as he brought his fingers up for another drag. It was the first time Sirius had ever observed anyone smoke with such proximity, let alone his best friend. Smoking was, under all circumstances, a habit indulged in by the, as Mother would put it, depressed classes. An heir of the House of Black could afford the most luscious of wines and alcohols and other indulgences, but not smoking. After all, a packet of cigarette laid between the monetary accomplishment of a Lord as well as a Pauper, not a bottle of a Mateus Rosé.  
“You want to try?” Remus slid off and walked over to Sirius, offering him his cigarette. Unsure of what to say, he just nodded and silently took the cigarette and placed it between his own fingers, the feeling of holding a cigarette experienced by him for the first time in his life. Sirius would never forget Remus’ eyes, glinting in the unlit room, as he intently stared at Sirius and waited for him to take his first smoke. Sirius places the edge of the cigarette between his lips, and closing his eyes, inhaled slowly, carefully. At that moment, Sirius couldn’t understand what the hype among teenagers around smoking was all about. All it felt was like forcefully inhaling a minuscule chimney. It wasn’t until he felt Remus leaning into and whisper into his ears, did Sirius realise how wrong he’d been seconds ago.  
“Now, now.” Remus whispered, his low and deep voice causing Sirius to feel more constricted than the cigarette already was. “Don’t inhale just now, let the smoke stay in there.”  
Sirius averted his eyes to look sideways at Remus, and silently nodded. Remus place his hand on his left shoulder and slightly massaging it, went on, “Now, you can either inhale the smoke into your lungs right now...or maybe exhale it out of your mouth and inhale it back in but with your nose.”  
Sirius had seen Remus doing the latter, and so, he wasn’t going to back down and not try. He felt like coughing all the smoke out, but he was going to do it just right, not wanting to disappoint Remus. Slowly opening his mouth, Sirius exhaled the smoke. Everything was still and unmoving at that moment, but the rushing smoke. Remus emerged back in front of Sirius and looking at him right in the eye, he quietly said, “Now, inhale. Do it with me.”  
Sirius watched Remus come closer, so close that Sirius was sure they could smoke like this for the rest of eternity, just starting into each other’s irises, pitch black in the dark, and maybe, the intensity of the moment. Sirius began inhaling, right along with Remus, as he felt the smoke rising through his nasal passage, and then descend down his wind pipe. Everything was going at an infinitesimal pace, slower than time itself. Remus closed his eyes for a fraction of a second, tilting his head back a little, his throat and jaw exposed. Right when Sirius thought that he couldn’t take this proximity anymore, he felt a startling urge to expunge out the smoke and pushing Remus away, he started coughing out smoke frantically.  
Remus’ shocked eyes looked at him bending over and coughing, before he quickly came over to soothe Sirius down. Patting his back, Remus said, “It’s okay. In fact, you were doing brilliant. I was stuck in a coughing fit two second after the smoke went in. You were exponentially brilliant than me.”  
Sirius heaved out, trying to expel out anything that was left inside. Finally looking up, he smiled weakly at Remus, concern slowly fading away from his countenance. Remus wasn’t disappointed, he was just worried for Sirius.  
“I’m okay now.” He whispered, standing back up.  
“Good.” Remus paused a moment, thinking of what to say. Finally, he decided upon, “So, how did you think it was.”  
“I think lung cancer is worth it after having the pleasure of drowning oneself in this bloody amazing shit.” Sirius finally smiled.  
“Sweet poison, isn’t it?” Remus laughed, “Here, give it back. Do you want to continue with it?”  
“I have a good feeling about it. I might as well do something worth my while now there’s nothing holding me back.”  
“That’s the Sirius I know. Come on, let’s go over to the window. The smoke goes away pretty quickly and less chances of being caught with a cigarette in hand while you could just throw it out.”  
“You sound like an experienced smoker.”  
“I like to think I am.”  
“How vain. Blow some smoke rings for me and then we’ll talk.”  
Remus laughed.

 

 

Sirius felt like his head would explode, he had had enough of potions to last him a lifetime. Concentrating became a really difficult job when one was expected to constantly watch over a boiling cauldron, in the dungeons, during the first week of May, with hair as long as Sirius’. Sighing for a thousandth time, Sirius looked up from his cauldron, still not ready to accept the fact that Easter Holidays were long gone, and their OWLs were headed towards them at bullet speed. Looking down into his cauldron, he was thinking of maybe skipping his next class, when Professor Slughorn appeared behind him out of nowhere and said, “Mr. Black, I see that the effort to get your potion ready has evidently left you so drained that you didn’t even notice that the potion was starting to boil beyond 573 Kelvin.”  
Hell, if the old bum could already see that Sirius was already fucked by tiredness, why was he even asking him? “Yes, Professor. Even the weather’s doing nothing to help.” Sirius added in support.  
“Well, if only we could blame the weather for all our failed endeavours, wouldn’t that be just wonderful?”  
“Absolutely, Professor. How could I agree more with that impeccable statement.” Slughorn was going to lose his shit now, Sirius knew that the moment his snark remark left his mouth. Well, at the most he couldn’t care less right now. He would die to be anywhere but here.  
“I know. Now, let’s have a look at your potion. Here.” He moved Sirius aside and peered into his cauldron.  
“As it seems, Mr. Black. The potion is supposed to be black. Yours is dark blue.”  
“No problem. I’ll suffice for the both of us.”  
Slughorn chose to ignore the obvious joke Sirius was trying to make or was genuinely not able to get it through his thick head, he couldn’t say. After a moment, Slughorn nodded in disapproval and said,  
“Mr. Black you’ve got to buckle up for the upcoming tests and your apparently poor colour distinguishing skills will do nothing but bring down your grades in potions. I’m sorry, but I might have to-“  
“May I interrupt?” Mc Gonagall suddenly appeared in the class. Sirius quickly turned about to look at her, as she adjusted her robes, and clearing her throat, announced-  
“Professor Slughorn, as you might be aware, we need to start off with Careers Advice this week and I wish to go through it with all my students as soon as possible before their OWLs begin.”  
“Oh yes, of course. I myself was hoping to begin it with the Slytherins.”  
Sirius scoffed inwardly.  
“Yes, well. I was hoping I could ask for another student who’s currently attending this class?”  
“Sure, Minerva. I’ll excuse the student.”  
“I would like to speak with Mr. Black, please.”  
Sirius could’ve frolicked around in the dungeons while singing opera at the same time at that moment. “Merlin, I can’t thank you enough.” Sirius felt elated beyond measure. Looking expectantly at Professor Slughorn, he felt boundless joy when he nodded his head in silent and restrained permission. Quickly putting his books back, he approaches Mcgonagall, and smiled at her-“How are we today, Professor?”  
“I wouldn’t like to dignify that with a response but thank you for asking. Now, if you’d follow me.”  
Sirius slung his bag over his shoulder, as he proceeded to wink at James who was staring at him with his mouth hanging open, not believing the sheer luck that Sirius seemed to be blessed with. Just as he was tuning around, Sirius spotted Remus, Lily working beside him with full concentration. He assuringly smiled at Sirius, quickly going back to his work.  
“Let’s go, Professor.” Sirius said, as he easily fell in step with McGonagall’s deliberately hasty ones. What did she think, Sirius was still as tall as her waist?  
McGonagall simply pursed her lips.

“How about Curse Breaker?”  
“I like it when there’s a more realistic situation for applying my knowledge of DADA.”  
“You mean duelling?”  
“You’re smart, Professor.” McGonagall gave the most effective disappointed sigh ever.  
“Sirius, first of all, I wasn’t supposed to help you decide what you wanted to do in life. No, that’s your job or maybe a professional councellor. What I am supposed to do, however, is give you advice on how to approach it and all the academic and scholastic requirements you need to fulfill in order to achieve that goal with probable success.”  
“Seriously?”  
“I don’t think there’s a smile on my face.”  
“It’s hard to tell.”  
“Sirius, listen. Humour can get you nowhere farther than this room. Let’s just-just continue with our trial and elimination method and come to a solid conclusion, okay?”  
“Brilliant.” Sirius sighed. They’d been in McGonagall’s office for the past half and hour and nothing had been finalised. Sirius suddenly grew scared, did he have no ambition in life? Coming to think of it, Sirius wasn’t even raised by parents who motivated him to have a goal of any kind. No, all they did was teach him the ways and works of the high society. After all, they’d already decided Sirius’ future for him- he’d take over the empire of The House of Black. He was supposed to be the loyal son who would follow his footsteps.  
But now, when that choice seems as if from another life, Sirius was free to do anything. Except for the fact that he didn’t know what to do. And, at the pace at which they were eliminating choices of careers, Sirius was sure there would be nothing left. Surely, he was good at something wasn’t he?  
“Okay, Wizarding Journalism?”  
“Reporting if any celebrity has got a new prosthetic nose or if anyone met their death at the hands of a mandrake? No, thanks.”  
“It is more serious than that and you know it.”  
“Ironically, I don’t.”  
“Enough. Alright, how about Care of Magical Creatures?”  
Sirius wanted to say that he already did that last night when everyone was asleep, but thankfully, he knew his limits. “I don’t think it’s in me, Professor.”  
Now, it was McGonagall who wanted to reply with, “Of course it isn’t. All that’s there in you is either devilry or unrestrained charm to get girls.” But, McGonagall knew Sirius’ limits. So, she chose to take the high road and go on with him with patience, “What might you think about becoming an Auror?”  
“Oh, I remember Jamie talking about it. But, I don’t think it’s for me, I mean, it requires you to pass potions after all!”  
“A little hard-work never hurts, Mr.Black. You do realise that we’re running out of mainstream options here. If anything, tell me something you like, or better, would love to do?”  
“Meryl Streep?”  
“I’m sorry?”  
“Err...Nothing. Regarding that, I’ve always loved and enjoyed Muggle Studies, Professor.”  
“Well then, what I’ve been doing for the past forty-five minutes has been rendered useless because you have no interest in doing anything in the Wizarding careers. What do you like the best about Muggle Studies? Anything worthwhile? And interesting chapter?”  
That was a very specific question. It wasn’t as if Sirius was poor at all the other subjects, it was quite the opposite really. But, he found a certain joy on attending Muggle Studies. Sometimes, when he’d go to Remus with anything new and interesting about any muggle topic, Remus would add on to his interest by providing more intriguing facts about that topic. It would eventually lead to them having hours-long conversation, long after everyone had left the common room, Sirius and Remus would still bathe in each other’s company and discuss anything and everything from ice cream to James Dean to Airplanes. Maybe, maybe his favourite part of Muggle Studies was Remus Lupin after all. Of course, that wasn’t a probably answer but now that he was coming to think of it, he really did find one thing he’d studied more interesting than anything else he’d ever learnt. “Automobiles, Professor.”

 

 

“Oi. What’s gone in you?”James shouted, throwing a pillow straight at Sirius’ head. Unfortunately, it missed the target and landed on a pile of unopened chocolate frogs. Sirius was still in a part-fazed state since his meeting with McGonagall. His indecision was making him question himself and his seriousness in life and the irony of him worrying for being, well, serious. He really needed a fag, and boy, did he need it now. Shaking his head, he replied, “Nothing’s gone into me James. What made you think that anything had?”  
“You were pathetic at quidditch practise today.” Before Sirius could object, James raised his hand and continued, “No, you were. Anyone could’ve dodged the quaffle and prevented Jean from breaking his nose. Even your excuse was pathetic. “Sorry, it just appeared out of nowhere?” Seriously?”  
“In my defence, the quaffle did appear out nowhere!”Sirius was currently drying his hair off, having taken a shower after he was publicly humiliated by Evans that he smelled repulsive. Sirius just said that quidditch practise made him hungry and if she cared about his body odour so much, she could go and bury her head in James’ armpits.  
Needless to say, Sirius was thrown into the showers the moment they came back upstairs from dinner.  
“No, you dumb fuck. You were the one who shot the quaffle at Jean!” James flared.  
There was only so much a guy could do to defend himself after breaking the nose of one’s own teammate. James walked towards him, determined to get Sirius to talk again, “Honestly, Sirius? What has gone into you?”  
Now, Sirius could sell his kidney off for a fag. Where was Remus? He had a brilliantly hidden stash of fags among his belongings which he would offer Sirius occasionally. Sirius had asked him thrice now for its location but Remus just refused flat-on stating that if he did that, then he’d wake up to find his pack of fags empty the next day.  
“Look, James. It’s not anything serious, okay?”  
“Sorry, but I’m smarter than that. I’m not asking you to open your heart out, Merlin!”  
“Jam- fine. It’s about Careers Advice. You know how you’re always about becoming an Auror and making yourself worthy to the protection of the Wizarding world, roaming around with your badge of valour? Well, as it so happens James, some of us aren’t made for this shit, okay?”  
“What-What are you going on about?”  
“Look, James. I don’t want to bitch about my problems, okay? Just, why don’t you go about your business and do something that you always do? Go serenade to Evans or something?”  
“Sirius you, you’ve been distracted since the past week!You don’t have your mind abouy you! Is it anything with- well, is it anything to do with you leave-leaving your home?”James was starting to irritate Sirius beyond measures now. Of course, Sirius knew he was distracted from his work while OWLs were ready to smack him upside down. But how could he concentrate on anything since he’d found out that maybe his dream might be a bit far-fetched after all? What’s more, his dream was bloody borderline on being an actual dream that Sirius wasn’t even sure how to approach or do anything about. His teenage mind wasn’t ready to take a solid descision and choosing a whim for a life career just proved how unprepared Sirius was for reality. Which was more disarming than the time Sirius realised that his skin was capable of producing zits too.  
“Why would you even think I’d miss that purgatory? Do I look like a sicko who revels under the constant torture of Mother Medusa herself?”  
“How many times do I have to ask you to not use your Greek references with me? I get it, you were tutored in the classic literatures, okay? And, I don’t know, you might be missing your mother whether you acknowledge it or not. I mean, it’s perfectly fine if you do, they’re your family.”  
That was it for Sirius. He knew he was being a burden for the Potters but James was trying to be too nice about it and his patience was now exhausted. Even he wanted Sirius to leave him at peace and go back to his perilous family. Great, he had no one he could call family now. He couldn’t believe James would make him reconsider going back after he’d literally lost his family, his fortune, everything that day when he chose to leave Grimmauld Place for good. And now, the only thing which he’d got left would also be taken away from him if he went back- his self respect. This was too much for Sirius to deal with, and it made him want to take his most used path- avoid the problem into non existence. He obviously couldn’t avoid James forever, he might even have to confront his current arrangement with the Potters which he had begun to think of as if living his own family. But for now, all Sirius wanted to do was head out and smoke a fag and for the millionth time, where the fuck was Remus!  
Oh, Prefect rounds. Obviously.  
Flinging his towel over his shoulder, Sirius turned about and started to head out of the dormitory, when James said,”What? Where are you off to now?”  
Sirius really didn’t want to answer, so, he simply increased his speed and slamming the door shut behind him, went ahead to find Remus.

It was liquid silver, that’s what it was. The night sky surely did make everything seem as if everything were brighter than polished wood, calmer than the passage of time and rhythmical than the coming and going of tides. The whole corridor was silver with moonlight, and so was the sky, sprinkled with huge fireballs luring mere mortals under the pseud of “stars”. They’d even tempted everyone in Sirius’ family too, so much that each member was named after those fireballs that had no purpose in this universe but to burn. Burn, until there’s nothing left in them. Black family deserves their names in this context. It was thus, as Sirius was walking down another corridor, did he spot Remus. It was a dark corridor, and there was a stature guarding the turn at the end of the passage. Sirius saw Remus, half hidden behind the statue, his face hidden completely. Sirius rushed towards him, coming closer. Oh, so the statue was actually that of a woman, supposedly a famous animagus form the 15th century from India, if Sirius remembered correctly form his chapter on the influence of the orient on advanced magic in Ancient Runes. Sirius stopped directly at the statue, “Merlin, where were you- oh.” All words left Sirius as he realised what he’d just witnessed. There he was, Remus, standing in front of a ravenclaw boy who was pinned against the wall by him, as they were tangled in a passionate embrace. Remus has his face buried in the boy’s neck, whose he’d was thrown back against the wall as he tried not to let even a slight sound escape from his mouth with all his will. Sirius knew he should turn back, maybe run away even, never to talk about it. Instead, he was rooted to the spot, watching as Remus’ head suddenly whipped up, the previous look of amorous pleasure on the boy’s face vanished in a second, as he turned around slowly to face Sirius. Sirius thought that maybe he should go and drown himself in the Great Lake or maybe get himself detention with McGonagall and clean the trophy room with an earbud. Unfortunately, neither was a choice Sirius could act upon before Remus very carefully chose to open his mouth, “Sirius. Err...what are you doing here?”  
“I could ask the same.” Sirius looked at the ravenclaw boy -medium built, black hair and green eyes. Sirius despises black haired green eyed people. Except his own hair, of course, it was designed by the Gods them selves.  
“This is, well, Marius Jo-Jopovich?”  
“Josipovich.” The boy replied, his face hidden behind Remus. Finally getting his wits about him, he came in front to face Sirius and offered, “It’s Polish.”  
“Oh.” Yes, that was the most intelligible response Sirius could think of at the very current moment. Obviously, Remus wasn’t going to writhe in the uncomfortable situation with the three had found themselves in, quickly saying, “I think Marius was just about to head back, weren’t you? It’s way past curfew.”  
“Ye-Yes, I probably should go back now.” Marius replied,quickly walking ahead, never once looking back, leaving Sirius and Remus alone to share the monumental awkwardness they’d been presented with just seconds ago.  
“I’m not going to ask you why or when or whatever dumb question you’ve been asked till date.” Sirius replied, finally deciding upon what to say.  
“I can’t thank you enough.”  
“I’m not letting you off easily, though. Why not tell us about it? Tell me?”  
“Because of the dumb questions you mentioned earlier. And because homophobia is a general reaction one might expect from others if one were, I don’t know is hard to say, but I think the term used in common parlance is gay.”  
Sirius could only look and smile at the joke as much without feeling a sting through his heart. Hadn’t his best friend suffered already enough? And now he was here with another situation where he’d had to explain himself due to something he didn’t have any control over. No, Sirius wasn’t going to let Remus go through that alone.  
Looking at the stairs, Remus suddenly asked, “Want to kill hours with a couple of fags?”  
“No, let’s kill eternities.” Sirius smiled, although it didn’t reach his eyes, neither did it project out his usual entrapment of irresistible charm. He couldn’t convey it explicitly, but seeing Remus with another boy was as infuriating as seeing Regulus with those undeserving gits like Snape. He didn’t feel as if Remus belonged to this, whatever, as much as Regulus belonged with those bastards. No, they were better off without keeping their true forms under constant oppression.  
Astronomy tower, here they come.

 

 

“When?”  
“Huh?”  
“When did you realize?” Sirius asked, gazing straight ahead. Astronomy tower provided a full fledged panorama of the whole school-the grounds, the lake, the shack, everything. It might as well be a sprawling kingdom with Sirius as its self-proclaimed ruler,beautiful beyond definition. The kingdom, not the ruler, of course. Summer nights were made bearable with a gentle breeze blowing at such altitude from unknown directions. It was a rather poetic setting.  
“Sometime within the past two years. It wasn’t as if I was always on the forefront like you and James to get it on with birds, you know.”  
Sirius nodded. The cigarette was working wonders on his nerves, he was sure pretty sure that by the end of the night, it all he would remember was his own dramatic emptiness and the smoke of the cigarette rising up and moulding, to fill it up.  
“Well, I can only be happy for you.” Sirius said, still not looking at Remus. He really didn’t know what to feel or think about the fact that he just found out that his werewolf, prefect, dutiful and enormously gentile friend also happened to be a homosexual. “At least you’ve got something figured out. Sixteen is really messing me up, if I can just be honest.” Sirius turned around to look at Remus. Remus was facing his back to the moon, his head bent low,cigarette held by his fingers with such precision And venerability, it sometimes left Sirius speechless to no end. There was something around Remus, an air of self deprecating nature, one that Sirius had been witnessing some they were eleven. He turned back to the moon  
“What do you mean by that? Something wrong with life?” Remus asked quietly, his voice placid. Sirius tried hard to resist putting his inner shit out for display but Remus’ voice always worked like magic on him, ironically. He couldn’t resist not sharing what he felt with Remus, he has always been so calm and undemanding.  
“James was up my arse today evening for blundering one bloody quidditch practise. I mean it isn’t as if everyone has perfect days all the time.”  
“Seems like you were distracted by something, then.”  
“Distracted is a very big word, I’m disgruntled and disarmed by the very fact of my decision on what to do with my life.”  
Realisation dawned on Remus’ face, as he took another drag. He didn’t speak anything, letting the night’s summer air do his work.  
“I just think, no, fear that maybe I am not...not made for following a...conventional path of future. I mean, look at James, prancing around with his high ambitions and his badge of valour all the time to the point of me wanting to kill myself. But, some of us aren’t like that, it’s not so easy and straightforward.”  
“Trust me, I know that feeling of hopelessness if nothing else.”  
“Oh get over your humility, Moony! Everyone knows you’ve got a future much brighter than my hair right now. Please don’t tell me I’m spending the night with another wannabe Auror or something prestigious.”  
“Trust me, you’re spending this splendid night with anyone but a wannabe Auror.”  
“Merlin be thanked. Anyways, didn’t you have your Careers Advice yet?”  
Remus pauses for a moment, inhaled the smoke deeply, offered Sirius his cigarette before nodding in assent, “Yes. Today itself, during Ancient Runes.”  
“I’m pretty sure McGonagall must’ve put up a golden tapestry embroidered with overflowing opportunities for Mr.Prefect here itself.”  
“Mind you, it was rather short. If anything, it wasn’t at all the scandalous affair that underwent during your meeting with Professor, if you know what I mean.”  
“Unfortunately, I do. And I’ll have you know, any rumour these bastards have been spreading-not true.”  
“Pity. I was rather starting to hope you’d show me that “scandalously and precariously portrayed” painting of McGonagall that you showed to her while inside her office. News is, it was what followed which took you so much time in there.”  
“Merlin, that’s what they’re saying! First of all, I’d never dream of making a “scandalous” portrait of her. Second of all, I’d only do that only if she willingly accepted to be my muse.” Sirius grinned. It was different, here on the Astronomy Tower, making fun of anything and everything and nothing. He passed the cigarette back to Remus, and said,  
“Jokes apart, this is really infesting my thoughts throughout the past two days and making me wonder if I am even better off than I was...there.”  
“Trust me, you’d be better off anywhere than Grimmauld Place. What even makes you say that- a minor confusion regarding your future that literally is every teenager’a problem? Trust me, the world is not going to end.”  
“I know, but it still feels like some part of me was subjected to all the prep I could get in order to become the next in line to the House of Black. There was no concept of having a choice, I was born a Lord, and a Lord I was to become no matter what. I thought now, with this newly acquired freedom and...autonomy, I’d finally get on with life the way I would have waned to. But how will it ever be possible if I just-just don’t know what I am going to do in my life?”  
“Wow. That’s kind of long term, if I can be honest. But anyhow, you must’ve come up with something, obviously. All that time spent with McGonagall might’ve brought something, no matter how insignificant, to light. Don’t tell me the rumours are true.”  
“No, they aren’t. And yes, we did stumble upon something eventually. But, consider me saying this, it’s juvenile and, well, stupid.”  
“Try me.”  
Remus hadn’t hoped that Sirius would hit him with-  
“We unanimously came up to the decision that the most probable career choice for me would be” Sirius took the deepest breath possible by human lungs, “to become an automobile mechanic.”  
Remus was stunned into silence for a moment. That really did sound wayward and non-typical. Obviously, he’d seen that childlike fascination in Sirius’ eyes whenever Muggle Studies was being discussed. He’d been at the helm of countless such discussions with Sirius through the years himself. But, a motor mechanic? Was Sirius even aware that what a commonplace occupation that actually was, ironically taken up by the masses of a class in the opposite end of the spectrum to Sirius’ privileged lineage. Whatever Remus was going to say, it was to be carefully thought of. Killing time by taking a slow, deliberate drag, Remus proceeded to stub the cigarette out. He knew that Sirius was still expectant to hear what Remus hopefully thought was his best friend’s views on the current disclosure.  
“That’s rather unconventional.”  
Sirius wanted. Okay, so maybe three words didn’t count as expressing one’s views.  
“I mean, that surely does make sense, you being in love with everything muggle and what not.”  
“Yes, yes!” Sirius became suddenly passionate and emphasising. “Moony, many of these things have left an impact on me that I didn’t even realise was there until today. I mean, not to make your already inflated ego burst with pride, but those untimely discussions on mundane muggle things is one of the contributing factors to this event of my life.”  
“ ‘I’m honoured’ sounds a pompous, no?” The least Remus could do was feel happy for Sirius. Was it really automobiles that made Sirius’ ambitions, well, run?  
“No, not at all.”Sirius grinned. “Just imagine the look on mother’s face when she finds out that her eldest is off wiping grease off the motor parts of a Ford Angelica 1965.” Yep, Sirius was officially grinning with overflowing excitement now. Remus could feel his infectious happiness in the summer air and somewhere maybe even Remus wanted to get lost in his aura.”It would be just like when my mother found out I was wiping the grease off my motor part while looking at a cheap magazine of smoking hot men.”  
“I’d like to find solace in the idea of it being much worse than that. Not that your case isn’t bad, it’s ghastly too.” Sirius grinned, not minding the dreadful mood he was in not moments ago. Oh, how Remus wished to tell him that nothing could be ghastlier than his own life. But Remus was all about bottling things up. This was Sirius’ night, to discuss his problems, to make his life as unlike Remus’ as possible. And it wasn’t as if anyone could do to change it, Remus would have to just deal with it. All this going through his mind, as he forgot to notice that Sirius was looking at him with a madman’s expression, “You know what I’d do when I pass out of school, Moony?”  
Remus nodded his head, trying to being his attention back to the matter at hand.  
“Oh, I’m going to make myself the most brilliant flying motorbike!” Sirius said, staring upwards at the sky,his eyes reflecting the countless suns in the sky, each one vanquished by the brightness of his own existence. The thought of a flying motorbike was imaginative enough to even get Remus cracking, “You’re crazy, Pads.” It was the first time during the whole day Remus had addressed his best friend by his cherished nickname. After the day Remus had had, he never even expected to spare a genuine smile, let alone a bark of laughter. But that was Sirius Black for him, always doing insane things and bringing up insane ideas that made Remus forget about everything in his life that was a downward spiral, which pretty much constituted most of it.  
Not before long, they both were sniggering as they went up to the dorm, remnants of the wild laughter they’d shared not moments ago under the night sky. Careers Advice was forgotten, but for now.

 

 

Sirius knew he should get Remus to stop before it was too late. Just because it was the last Hogsmeade trip before Fifth Year ended, didn’t give Remus the full fledged right to keep on drinking at the rate at which he was. Moreover, that was Sirius’ job. Taking care of the drunk friend and making sure he passed the night without wreaking any havoc was Remus’. Sirius was still confused when the roles were reversed. He was cursing James and Peter who were off somewhere getting Lily a present before the term ended. Sirius thought it wise to stay back with Remus and get a little bit off their rockers together, but now, he realised that he’d made a fatal mistake.  
“Another one please, Merta.” Remus slurred. Remus was already drunk now, one of his sleeves folded up to his elbow while the other sleeve was reaching his palms. His hair was messy with fingers constantly weaving through them. And most obvious of all, the telltale redness in his cheeks, held up with pride by his cheekbones.  
“Remus, you’ve had eleven butterbeers now!” Sirius obviously couldn’t shout at him about the secretive spiking of their beverages with stolen fire whiskey. After two or three spiked butter beers, Sirius thought they’d been done for the day, but Remus insisted on having more. And more. While Sirius finally stopped at six, he was currently witnessing Remus getting intoxicated to no end. Even when Sirius tried to snatch off the fire whiskey from Remus, his iron tight grip and the fear of exposing their under-the-table endeavour, Sirius could but watch Remus getting drunk and drunker by the minute. Sirius pinched the bridge of his nose in absolute frustration. There was only him rebuking Remus, no sly comments or defamatory humor from his friend’s side.  
Rosemerta arrived with another butterbeer and was finally unable to hold her curiosity back. “Remus, dear. Are you sure you won’t get sick?” She smiled, while looking at Sirius questioningly. It was highly unlikely for Remus to get drunk, that too deliberately. Sirius just shrugged his shoulders having no idea why Remus was hell bent on spending the day as if it were the last day alcohol was to be served on earth.  
Sirius however, had a bad feeling about this. No matter however unbecoming of Remus this heavy drinking was, Remus wasn’t behaving like a typical drunk Remus. He’d only seen Remus get drunk twice. One, when he was entitled to the position of Prefect and second occasion was Sirius’ sixteenth birthday (Since he obviously couldn’t wait for one year more and indulge in alcohol legally.) But during those two incidents, Remus suddenly became an unwound version of himself. He sang, laughed louder than ususal, didn’t wrap his arms around himself, and became exceptionally chatty. Right now, however, Remus was sulking. He was behaving as if he was drinking to forget something...bad, maybe. It wasn’t celebratory, the defeated look of Remus’ face and his quietness since the past hour and a half at The Three Broomsticks proved so. Sirius was really worried. Under no circumstances could he allow a twelfth spiked butterbeer have its course trough Remus’ oesophagus. Trying to coax Remus into handing drink over to him, Sirius said with a calm voice for the hundredth time, “Moony, don’t you think that’s enough? Let’s go out for a walk shall we?” And Remus have the exact same reply, his voice devoid of any emotion or petulance, “No.” Sirius huffed in frustration, this was too much. He was hoping that maybe Remus would finally get chatty and decide to divulge out to Sirius whatever he was drinking so heavily over. Sirius just hopes it wasn’t that boy- Josopich? Jopovich? Marius, wasn’t that the name? Sirius tried to suppress the emerging jealously in his gut,as he sought to snatch the drink off of Remus. He couldn’t care now, Remus needed to stop and go back to his bed and sleep through the impending hangover that was looming over his head, bound to strike.  
Just as Sirius reaches out to get a hold of the drink, he caught a movement in his peripheral vision. “For the love of Merlin,” Sirius thought,head throbbing with pain and agony, “Out of all the twenty four hours and Fourteen hundred and forty minutes of the day, this was the moment McGonagall chose to enter the pub.” To make matters worse, she was followed by Dumbledore and Slughorn, entering as if they were a fucking entourage. Sirius tried to sink back into his seat, not wanting to get noticed even in the least. But with a drunk, tall, Welsh werewolf by his side, Sirius didn’t think it was wise to think only of himself. He doubled his efforts, coaxing Remus into handing over the butterbeer to him, and leave the place as soon as possible. But Remus was anything but willing to leave. He was just beginning to raise the bottle containing firewhiskey and pour some in his butterbeer, when Sirius slapped his arm down and held his chin with his other hand, “Moony, please. We have got to leave, okay? Our headmaster along with two of our professor are here. You don’t want to stain your image right when the OWLs are round the corner now, do you?”  
Remus was about to ignore him and get on with his intoxication as usual when he whipped his head up at Sirius and started laughing. Laughing like a maniac rebelling in his own tangent universe, unaware to the disappointing reality urrounding him. His face was staring to get red with laughter, and his hands were shaking far to much to hold two bottles of liquor.  
Sirius was blushing like a virgin bride about to be married off to a whorehouse owner, when he noticed that Remus’ eccentric behaviour had caught the teachers’ attention. Along with all the other students and wizard sitting in hopes of having a quiet drink. Now, the only thing happened which Sirius hoped desperately wouldn’t, everyone was staring at them.  
“Fuck.” thought Sirius,trying to get Remus to shut up. “Please, Merlin, don’t make him do or say anything that would worsen this situation anymore than it already is.” While he was busy coaxing Remus into quietness and something even in the neighbourhood of acting like a sane person, he didn’t notice McGonagall approach them with a speculative look on her face. Mid effort, Sirius was disrupted by her seen voice, “Is everything alright, Mr. Black?”  
Sirius’ face was suddenly white, as he stared at his best friend’s ridiculous attemp at gaining his breath back after that severe bout of hysterical laughter since he obviously couldn’t look at McGonagall’s inquiring face. Even Remus stopped all of a sudden to stare at her face, as if he was jostled back to his surroundings just by the voice of his professor. What Sirius didn’t expect was, that Remus would be quiet for a few moments and after muttering something unintelligible, he would resume his previous episode, but, with twice the vigour. Sirius was stunned by the situation, but he was trying to get out of it in sheer desperation. Quickly, he snatched the bottle of firewhiskey off of Remus’ hands under the table, while he was busy making a fool of himself.  
Trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, Sirius took the bottle of firewhiskey and switched it over to his other hand.  
“Yes, professor. Everything’s brilliant.” Sirius tried to give his world class smile of pure assurance that had been tried and tested by countless such occasions during his past five years at Hogwarts. He was starting to get hopeful when Remus was quiet back again and the look of dubiousness on McGonagall was staring to crumble, when he noticed that Dumbledore and Prodessor Slughorn were coming towards their booth. “Bastards,” Sirius thought, “they’re coming to enjoy the bloody scene.”  
Professor Slughorn was the first to speak, “Is anything the matter?”  
Sirius cursed inwardly as he prayed to the heavens above that nothing in the least akin to matter would arise. He was relieved to see McGonagall nod her head in dismissal, still looking at Remus with a look of, Sirius couldn’t be sure, but there was melancholy lurking there somewhere. She turned about to leave, the other two about to follow her when Remus suddenly shouted, standing up on his seat, drink held carelessly in his hand, spilling out, “You’re all just so fucking lucky, arent you?”  
Fuck.

 

 

Sirius was so shocked with how the day had turned out to be, that he found solace in the only activity that he never in his wildest dream would’ve expected to find- folding socks. He didn’t know what else he could do, he obviously couldn’t act upon the situation at the current scenario. His only way of coping with what had went down today was literally through this sock-folding activity that was having an almost therapeutic effect on him. Never did the eldest of the Black family ever realize that he actually did have an exquisite collection of socks, ranging from all colours to all patterns conceivable by humankind. He thought of all the various occasions he’d worn his socks, that were up until now all stuffed up in his drawer, having been folded recently Merlin knows when. He had a white pair, a black pair, a blue pair and a red pair. He had a polka dotted pair, a candy striped pair, a bumblebee pair and surprisingly, a pair with tiny unicorns sewn on them. Sirius was liking his taste in clothing more and more by the passing pair he discovered in the bottomless pit of his sock-drawer. Just as he was about to fold a grey pair of socks with a starry print, he heard a stifled groan from the opposite bed, and the sound of someone shuffling. Letting the person take his own time, he huffed and got own with the pair at hand. He could feel the sting coming at him, trying to tear his heart to shreds, as Remus Lupin was trying to emerge out of his raging hangover in the bed opposite to him. After a few seconds, when enough grunts and groans were enough to confirm Sirius’ suspicions, he took a deep, calming breath and turned around. What he saw, literally clawed at his heart and tore it to shreds. His best friend was in the most pathetic condition Sirius had even seen him in, far worse than his post-transformation state.  
“You look like shit.” Sirius whispered. He’d just noticed that the sky outside was already getting dark, the stars beginning to come out of their reverie.  
“Thanks. Where is everyone?” Remus croaked, his voice scratchy. His hair was the untidiest mop of mane Sirius had even seen and his eyes were bloodshot. Remus tilted his head back, resting it on the bespost, as he closed his eyes.  
“They’re down for dinner.”  
Remus winced slightly, but Sirius noticed it nevertheless. “Bad hangover?”  
“Did I drink apt to deserve this?” He whispered, eyes still screwed shut. Sirius put the sock back on his bed and looking at Remus’ disastrous form, said, “You drank enough.”  
Remus winced again.  
“Do you want me to cut the lights? No one will come up anytime soon.”  
“Please. That would be brilliant.” Sirius casted a quick spell as all the lights of the dorm went out simultaneously, leaving only the moon outside and the assistance of the millions and billions of stars outside to brighten up the room with their filtered and mellow light.  
“Fine?”  
“Never been better.”  
“Here I’ve got this potion for you to drink from Madam Pomfrey.” Sirius said, as he brought along a vial with him to Remus’ bed. Coming closer, he could notice the evident pain Remus was fighting in his head. He obviously remembered far too less to care about what happened at Hogsmeade today.  
“Wait. How did Madam Pomfrey come to know about my hangover?”  
Sirius put the vial on the bedside and said, “How much do you remember?”  
“Was there anything worth remembering.” he questioned. Remus opened his eyes after Sirius didn’t give him any response, looking at him staring back at him. Sirius nodded towards the vial, bringing it up to Remus, as he took it with evident difficulty, clutching his head with his other hand. Pouring the contents of the vial down his throat, Remus finally looked up and asked Sirius, straight to the point, “Did I do something?”  
Sirius still couldn’t reply. How could he confess that he had been the most incompetent best friend the world had ever seen. How he was so taken by his own dilemmas that he didn’t even care to ask his best friend if everything was alright for him too. How it was his inconsideration that led Remus to reach out to intoxication to get the burdening ache he was carrying arround with him out of his mind.  
“Do you want to know?”  
Remus considered this for a moment, as Sirius looked at his face, serene in the moonlight. Passive as ever, there was no plethora of any emotion on his face.  
“Yes.”  
“I know what happened at your Careers Advice.”  
Silence. It enveloped them in the unlit dorm room, with nothing but the sounds of the dark and the night doing everything they could to fill the wordless chasm that followed. Finally, Remus gathered his thoughts together into an “Oh.” He looked down into his lap, releasing his other hand previously clutching his hair. Sirius wanted to shake Remus out of his half dead state and wanted to tell him that he could share everything and anything he wanted to with him. That Sirius would always be there, waiting for him with a patient ear and an understanding heart.   
Finally, he couldn’t take it anymore. He came up to Remus, who was still engrossed in staring down, as he tried to speak firmly, “You know there’s anything you can tell me, Moony, don’t you?”  
Sirius climbed in the bed and tilted Remus’ chin up, forcing him to look straight at Sirius who was desperately running out of patience but still, Remus’ eyes were downcast. “I want you to know it’s not your fault.” Without missing a beat, Remus scoffed softly and said, “As if that will work out for my future resumé.”  
“I’m not joking. McGonagall told me what happened.” Sirius stared directly at Remus, his eyes trying to convey his wilfullness to resolve this no matter what. Remus would keep on pushing him away just like he had been the past week, it wasn’t something you could just throw around, after all.  
Remus suddenly flicked his eyes,staring point blank at Sirius, “That means I won’t have to tell you that there’s nothing you could say or do to change the truth.”  
“No, I fear there’s a rather evident flaw in yours and hers theory. What you discussed with her back then isn’t the truth unfortunately.”  
“Seriously, Sirius?” Okay, so no addressing each other with their nicknames. “Do you even know what it felt like? Siting there eager and waiting to discuss my unknown future which I was full of hope for and being told within the first ten minutes that everything I’d worked for could be flushed down the toilet?”  
“Remus, you don’t know that-“  
“No, Sirius! That’s the problem, I do know. I know what it’s like to be shunned out of the society and being treated like an outcast. I know how it feels when your dreams shatter in front of your eyes because this isn’t the first time it has happened to me. Trust me, I’ve been deprived of many things in life, and I’m pretty sure that if given some time alone I’ll make through this too.”  
“Remus, don’t you dare say that! How could you just accept this atrocity and have no respect of how hard you’ve worked. How could-“  
“Merlin, Sirius, don’t you get it? Maybe I did work hard for my future thinking that being more educated and smart than others could fill up the chasm between me and normal people. But it’s my fault. After years of rejection, a sane person understands the limit beyond which efforts are nothing but futile. When everything goes down to shit. I aimed for the stars Sirius, when all I ever belonged to was the darkness.” Remus finally released his breath, his grave effort in fighting his tears off visible as daylight to Sirius in the dim dorm. Sirius couldn’t believe this, he just couldn’t. How could Remus Lupin, the most brilliant of minds Sirius had ever had the fortune to be acquainted with, hold himself in contempt with such simplicity. It was as if it didn’t even take any kind of recoverable effort for Remus to get on with the challenging situation that life seemed to throw at him without any consideration. No, Sirius has already overlooked a lot of things, he’d let go of the matter too many times before to let this one go too. If this was going to end in a fight, a disastrous one at that, Sirius could do nothing but go down fighting. But he would always find peace in the fact that Remus’ opinion of everybody treating him as inferior would be proven wrong.  
“Alright, you’ve had your say. And don’t think as if I have zero idea of you mental state, because unfortunately enough for the both of us,I do. Maybe my social and monetary status might be quite unlike what you’ve seen, but when it all comes down to feeling excluded, to being forced to feel as if you’re no good by the people around you, I know rather well. Don’t think that McGonagall held back anything, because she told me. She told me everything, Remus. I know you cried in front of her when she said that there are no provisions in the Wizarding world for the employment of dangerous creatures in any official body. I know that you were desperately trying to find out anything that could work out but were shattered to hear her say that even the Daily Prophet won’t take you for their Accio Agony Aunt column. I know that you were arguing with her with such ferocity and disbelief that she had to cast a silencing spell on her office. Did you really think I wouldn’t know, really?” Sirius looked at Remus, who was staring back at him, unblinking. Time seemed to freeze beyond the continuum of reality, engulfing both of them in this titular point in its fabric.  
“Great, then maybe I won’t have to finally explain myself. You’ve finally realised what a waste this all has been. I am still thinking of quitting school and going off to the Himalayas, maybe. Lead a life of sanctity and in the benevolence of nature.”  
“See, I’m not going to let you fester in that self deprecation agenda you’ve adopted. Stop making such dumb plans for the future when both you and I know that you’re far more capable than the rest of us. Just because this Wizarding system is unaccepting of that, doesn’t mean that you’ll receive any kind of better treatment in the Land of The Ganges.” Sirius couldn’t help it, he had to be frank. Nothing was ever going to change no matter which geographical land Remus chose to thrive on. Unfortunately, Remus was already aware of that fact, and as he sighed deeply, he remembered something.  
“What did I do?” Remus whispered quietly. His eyes were on the brink of watering. There was no tuning back now. Sirius had to tell him the truth.  
“You got drunk beyond your wits and made a scene at The Three Broomsticks. McGonagall, Slughorn And Dumbledore were there along with the commoners when you lost your self control and started shouting at nothingness about how unfair everything was and how the world deserved to burn and rot. You were shouting one moment, wailing the next, and getting livid another. It took several efforts to get you to calm down and finally, Dumbledore had to cast an unconsciousness inducing spell, after which I brought you here. Then, you slept it all out for the past nine hours. Meanwhile, McGonagall finally told me the reason why you did what you did, so maybe it would come as a relief that there’s no detention for you or me. In the downside, the bottle of firewhiskey was confiscated though.”  
Remus have a light chuckle. Sirius couldn’t help but smile himself. He couldn’t hold back anymore before he blurted our what was going on in his mind that only folding socks could ease, “Why didn’t you tell me? It wasn’t as if you didn’t get the opportunity. If I remember correctly, our time spent on The Astronomy Tower was more than enough. Do you not trust e or anything? I know I’ve been a selfish prick, moaning and whining about my own stupid problems while I could’ve been lending you a patient ear. I’m sorry for being such a bad friend and I’m-“  
“Hold it. Stop right there, Sirius Black. If anything, you’ve been everything but a bad friend. I could tell you anything and everything and you’d accept it and move on faster than the speed of light. Some people might mistake it for your indifference or impertinence, but I know that it’s your accepting nature that knows no bounds. So please, don’t blame yourself for my dumb decision to keep everything bottled up inside me and thinking that there was no one who could understand what I was going through. I guess I bottled up enough feelings already that the alcohol was just coming upto the brim. I don’t know how I’ll show my face tomorrow at Transfiguration after my “emotional spill”, if I may call it so.”  
“Those are too many alcohol related references for today. And don’t worry, you’ll manage. You always do.”  
“I don’t know. It’s just a lot when sixteen years of literal sweat and blood results in assured failure.” Remus looked down again, his eyelashes casting shadows across his cheekbones. Trying not to stare, Sirius said, “I just want you to know that it’s not your fault. It never was. You’re not a dark creature, you’re not nothing and you’re not excluded. You mean something to many people Remus. Your parents, your teachers, your friends. Me. You mean a lot more than something to me.” Sirius couldn’t take his eyes off the shy smile that Remus always kept reserve for such personal and deeply private situations. Sirius couldn’t help but look away as he said, “Maybe even to that guy, Jopovich?”  
“You mean Josipovich?”  
“Yeah whatever.”  
“Marius is just a friend.” Sirius scoffed inwardly. If Sirius’ eyes hadn’t deceived him the other day, then Marius was anything but a friend. He knew that Remus was staring at him, when he suddenly demanded, “Sirius, look at me. Look at me, please.”  
Sirius was kind of feeling petty and shameful about his sudden question about Remus’ private life. It wasn’t as if they’d not shared their private matter a with one another, but Remus rarely ever spoke of Marius. And now, maybe with Sirius’ impulsiveness, it was clear that he had something against Marius despite never even have known him. And that pointed clearly to just one thing, that somewhere in an unchartered territory of his heart, Sirius was jealous of the guy. 

As he tilted his head slowly towards Remus, time making it achingly slow for the both of them. He finally raised his eyes to meet Remus’ and it was that moment, that particular moment when his eyes met Remus’, which Sirius would always remember as the night they both poured their souls out each other (the pun of the name didn’t in any way compromise the almost reverent light in which Sirius saw that day).

Remus grabbed Sirius by his collar, his hair whipped away from his eyes by the forceful tug with which Remus pulled him in. Sirius knew that this was the one thing he could always remember during dark, long nights and harsh, unyielding times. He knew that he could find that feeling of having his first kiss with his best friend in the most exquisite and beautiful things that lounge in the lap of this world. He’d see the essence of himself and Remus in the shine of polished silver cutlery, in the scratching of a record being played for the first time, in the trumpets crooning out the most stirring jazz, in the early rays of dawn marking the end of a painful transformation, in the quietness of a moonless night, in the fairy lights hung on Christmas trees and maybe, in the languidly filling up emptiness carved within his soul.

He new that he could find that day as an answer to his raison d’être.

**Author's Note:**

> Marius Josipovich is taken from the show Sneaky Pete, named after its protagonist. I didn’t know any befitting polish names, but this one stuck in my mind.


End file.
